While we know every mom has a different postpartum experience, we wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that intimacy and sex after having a baby is a very important topic that doesn’t get enough attention. And, yes, it can be a tricky topic, but it's on a lot of new moms’ minds. So let’s start talking about it. Let’s talk about (postpartum) sex, baby!
First things first: timing. Healthcare practitioners recommend waiting until a postpartum checkup before resuming any sexual activities. This postnatal appointment often happens around six weeks after delivery and may include a physical examination, a discussion of birth control options, screening for postpartum depression, etc. If your OB-GYN gives you the “all clear” to start having sex, you may experience a range of emotions: Joy. Excitement. Relief. Nervousness. Dread. Or everything all at once.
We’re moms - we’ve been there. And because we’ve been there, we wanted to say how totally normal those feelings are - whether you’re having one of them or all of them - because it can make you feel a little less alone to know that another new mom has felt these same things (whether it’s eagerness to get your sex life back or anxiety about all the ways pregnancy has changed your body).
If you’re inclined to the full-scale-spinout end of that spectrum (the one where you’re in unending panic mode about how having a baby changes your relationship or marriage), we’re going to share what we as a team of moms worried about: Will I have a sexless marriage after baby? Will sex feel like before? Will I ever get my sex drive back (or have any sexual desires for that matter)? Will I ever feel sexy again (and not like a 24/7 milk machine)? Will they get near my C-section incision? Will they still be attracted to me after seeing the whollllle shebang down there during my vaginal delivery? Will milk come out if they touch my boobs, will my pelvic floor handle it, will my vaginal dryness go away (yeah, we went there), will it hurt? Phew. Glad we got those out of our system. (See, you’re not alone.)
So there’s the actual physical aspect of sex after baby, and then there’s the element of emotional readiness and concerns about intimacy as a whole. Will I lose intimacy with my partner? Will my partner truly understand if I’m not ready or if I’m “touched out” for the day? Will they be ready? Will I feel connected to my partner? Will I feel connected to myself?
To all of these incredibly important - and common - concerns, we say, you’ve got to do this on your own timeline. You may feel ready for sex after giving birth right away (may we recommend a sexy nursing nightgown?) or you may not feel ready for a very long time (may we recommend a classic, buttery-soft nursing pajama set?).
We’re all so different. What feels good and right to you? Getting the all-clear at six weeks doesn’t mean you’re obligated to hop between the sheets right away. Take the time you need.
Your body needs time to heal from giving birth, and you have a new little person to take care of around the clock. You’re nursing, pumping, or feeding constantly - or thinking about the next feeding - and sleep is hard to come by for both you and your partner. Add to all of that the new roles you both have as parents. Relationship changes after baby are part of having a baby.
Yes, a partnership or marriage after your baby's birth will be different. In great ways, of course, but maybe in some tough ways. And a lack of intimacy after baby is very normal. We offer loads of tips and go in-depth on relationships and sex after pregnancy in two great blogs: Sex After Baby: 8 Concerns New Moms May Have (and How to Address Them) and 5 Ways to Connect with Your Partner After Having a Baby. Make sure to check them out and let us know your thoughts.
But, in the meantime, some quick tips:
- Let friends and family support you and your partner - and if they don’t offer to help, ask them for help. This will give you and your partner a second to breathe - and maybe even breathe together.
- Get outside. A family walk is an incredible thing. Spending time together, whenever it can happen, is a great way to open up communication if it’s closed - and not sitting and staring at each other can make it easier to really talk and really listen to your partner - and to yourself.
- And, finally, foot rubs on the couch can go a long way.
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